Over and Under…

26th March 2019

Gosh I have not posted anything in so long…..! Sorry Folks. I was clearly not made to be a professional blogger! Haha. Between a full time job, a part time job and a full time MSc that I do in my part time…the blog has suffered.

But also – I think sometimes when the writing stops when the healing starts. Since my last post – I think I am on that healing journey. A lot of the things I have thought about in hindsight. Isn’t hindsight a gift.

It’s been almost two months since I kicked my lovely boyfriend out in the middle of the night after discovering he had been cheating on me with multiple women. There’s lots of research and theories etc etc about why people do it including when in happy relationships.

All I know is that I trusted this person. It was as if we were made for each other but clearly something went wrong somewhere. Maybe it got boring. Maybe there was no ‘chasing’ anymore. Frankly, I don’t know. But as we were intimate the night this all went down, the one thing I found the most difficult was looking back and remembering the happy times. To be honest, all I did have were the good times. Anything I discovered and the reality of it was what I read within that awful hour. It was nothing compared to the millions of hours we spent together.

However, a wise (or an unwise) friend once said, to get over someone – you must get under someone. And folks – I don’t see myself going into a relationship any time soon. So I did what I assume most of you would’ve done once or twice. Go online! But arghhh the effort and work that is needed to get to know and meet a whole new person was just ridiculous so I lasted on Tinder for all of a few hours.

BUT in those few hours, I discovered a man (white, Scottish) who was 18 years my senior!!! Lets call him John (very Scottish ;-)). John and I ended up chatting and exchanged numbers. Because frankly guys my age (early 30s) are on extreme scales. . . or just automatically assume that they would peak my (or any other girls interest) by sending a dick pic. DEAR GUYS – PLEASE STOP. PLEASE STOP SENDING PICS WE’VE NEVER ASKED FOR.

When John and I started chatting – it escalated quickly to a lot of sexting. And the kind that gets you hot and bothered. SOOOO . . . one Friday night, I invited John over. He came in armed with two bottle of wine and I made dinner and was already on my second glass of wine to calm the nerves. But John being a man of experience and wisdom, put me right to ease and just kissed me.

Now his kisses weren’t the best. WHICH I THINK IS PERFECT. You’d want your boyfriend or someone you have fancied forever to kiss you that magical kiss. But what John did give me was a marathon of 5 hours of the best sex I’ve ever had in my life!!! I’ve read it in books and whatnot about these mythical super humans and I didn’t know John was one of those. Coz my GOD it was amazing and of course I told him so.

AND the best thing about this perfect arrangement is – I am not looking for a relationship. Neither his John. His wife actually passed away from cancer 3 year ago and although they were married for a month and half – they had been engaged for 16 years, bought a house together and raised a beautiful daughter who is now 12 years old.  And all the while he was talking a light bulb went off… I’ve MET JOHN BEFORE! That’s why he looked familiar. I was asked by a friend as a favour to facilitate a group of spouses who lost their Partner and 3 years ago I supported him in this group setting. Funny how small the world in.                   

The heart is the most precious thing to break… without ever making a sound (Part 3 of 3)

Sunday 3rd February 2019

Have you ever experienced that feeling of going absolutely blind! I think I went blind. Yes it was night time and yes the room was dark. But for a few seconds as my heart pounded away and my mind drawing a complete blank – my eyes just went blind.

It’s funny though – medically your heart has nothing to do with feelings. It’s job is not to fuse emotions together. It needs to pump blood. Yet research shows when experiencing ‘heartache’ there is an actual physical pain present in the chest (https://greatist.com/happiness/science-broken-heart)

Even recalling and writing it all out, that stabbing pain in my chest comes and goes. Sometimes it lingers. If I allow myself to think about it a bit more…that blinding feeling slowly makes it way up.

As I made my way though Seth’s phone, I realised all the girls he was chatting with were white / white European girls. I come from a mixed racial background and he is Sri Lankan whose ex girlfriend from about 7 years ago was Polish. The first things that came to my mind was – is he trying to replace her and is he targeting white women for a reason?

(Reader’s Note: There is absolutely no racial undertones (from my side) about different races. I am literally the most tolerant, anti racist person there could be. I’ve experienced racism multiple times myself but I have never been or ever will be racist. Life’s too precious for that crap).

So I decided to reply to his bumble messages first. . . I can’t remember what I had said but it was highlighting how long we had been going out for, how many girls there were in this equation ..and that I wouldn’t trust him as far as a can throw him.

I had one brilliant girl reply (from Bumble) she had only just started messaging him. She was absolutely gobsmacked and was that voice of courage that I needed that night. Pack your things and live him. You deserve so much better she had said. Only difference was that Seth was in my home and in my bed.

After I sent out the messages, I needed to do more. Now I know this sounds so petty and he might be able to recover it later… but I proceeded to delete thousands upon thousands of his precious photos on his phone. They were mostly of him but also a lot of girls (including his ex girlfriend’s sister!)

I was still on his phone when Seth slightly woke up to sip a drink of water. I plugged courage. Now or never I told myself. “Seth, I’ve read your Bumble messages’” I declared. He giggled over this and smiled (though half asleep) and he replied “yeah, what did it say”. At this point I jumped out of bed and switched the bedroom lights on. NO I said. I’ve read all your messages including Facebook and calmly handed his phone over. I also told him I had messaged some of the girls.

Meanwhile, I grabbed his clothes and turned around and said to him, ‘please get dressed and go right now…you’ve never been honest with me’. I think he was still very confused at this point. He sort of looked at me then scrunched his face and went on his phone to read things. I let him be as I went to the living room to fetch his jacket and scarf.

He was fully awake now but didn’t say a thing. “Quick hurry up” I said to him. He eventually got out of the bed and started putting his clothes on. “I’ll grab your shoes as well” I said. When I walked back into the room he looked at me and then looked at his phone and was scrolling.

“Hurry Up” I said again “You’ll have plenty of time to read that”. I suddenly started to shiver. I didn’t know whether it was the cold or the adrenaline or the anger that was making me shiver. Seth put his shoes on and I waited for him then led him towards the front door where I unlocked the latches and waited for him. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him though. I remember him pausing and looking at me. But he still didn’t say anything. As he stepped out of the flat . . . I slowly shut the door behind him and locked it again.

And then I went to bed.

The heart is the most precious thing to break… without ever making a sound (Part 2 of 3)

Sunday 3rd February 2019

It was almost 11pm and Seth was blissfully sleeping. I was still lying in his arms, lost in thought as I reflected more on the film Lion. All the crying had left me a little exhausted and my eyes…a bit tired.

As soon as I shut my eyes, I was rudely awoken by the Spotify ads – THRICE now. I had to switch the music off if I were to get any sleep tonight. I gently came out of Seth’s arms and leaned to grab his phones to switch his music off.

He has a much cooler, newer phone that my little iPhone so it took me a wee while to adjust. I managed to stop the music and return to the home page. And that’s when I saw it.

He had a few notifications on Bumble. (For those who don’t know, Bumble is a free dating site). I freaked a little bit. What the hell I thought to myself and clicked on the icon. There were 4 messages here from girls he had matched me. He was telling them how he was now back from holiday and was feeling cold. There was a couple of messages about meeting up.

I went from tired to fully awake in split seconds. Wrapping my head around what I was reading. I needed to find out more. So I randomly went into his WhatsApp and Facebook messages. It was the messages on Facebook actually that made my world stop.

Messages went back days, weeks, months and even maybe years. There were maybe messages from around 7-10 different girls / women.

  • A woman whose flat he left his scarf at
  • A woman who he may have hooked up with during the festival who was living in Poland, another exactly in the same situation in Denmark (more about this later!).
  • There was another woman he met when he was out with his friends
  • There was a woman with the ‘cute baby’
  • Another woman who he gave his address to and invited for a ‘bit of fun’ and to smoke weed
  • Another woman who was on a night out and there were plans to meet at 3am
  • A woman who had a fight with her boss and Seth was on his way in an Uber to her place but she was very upset and didn’t let him in … so he had taken a screenshot of his return ride back to his home and a waste of £14 something.
  • And yet another woman who had now started dating someone else and had politely asked him to back off but he was still pursuing her.

There were others, flirtatious ones. Some more some less than others. . .

Do you remember that utter bliss I had written about from earlier that day. . . that peace, that love, that just being one with someone else. It was all gone.

“Little” Expectations

With a few days to Christmas, a sister who can give birth at any time and thoughts of ‘more’ with Dr Sam – i decided to take the plunge and meet him. We planned to go for a drink and then stay at a classy hotel but away from City. Dr Sam had picked me up and because he was driving, we decided to go to the hotel first and then go for drink nearby.

At the hotel check in, I actually felt like a right hooker! Wtf was i doing!? Meeting a stranger, at a hotel, in a place I hardly knew a lot about. Anyways, when we get to the room – my anxiety level was through the roof. Moral questions. Safety Questions and Sensible Questions made the whole experience feel questionable.

Dr Sam encouraged me to just relax and chit chat for a while. Of course I firmly took a place in a chair away from the bed for a good hour before agreeing to just go for a wee nap. Within a few minutes, Dr Sam had started kissing me and it felt good so I started relaxing a little. One thing of course led to another and the foreplay was good.

Until…. I got to his “little member”! Now I have heard guys and girls say – size doesn’t matter, it’s what you do with it! Right! Right!? Oh how wrong that saying is! Dr Sam had previously said “he wasn’t overly big” so I thought yeah ok not a big deal. But really it meant that when fully erect, he was probably the size of my pinkie finger if not smaller!!!!!!

Like if you were to give him a blow job…it would require someone to move their head a couple of inches up and down or not at all – it wouldn’t have made a difference!!!! (However on reflection I thought what a terrible shame. Like for him and future partners etc and not everyone is gifted. I should know, I have the smallest breasts in all my sisters even if it was a decent C Cup).

OK cool I thought, this will be ok! It’ll be ok! Oh dear god, how wrong was I! I didn’t feel a thing…maybe a wee scratch here and there 😹😹😹 but not a thing was felt in my down under! I saw his face and I knew he saw my disappointment so like millions of women out there – I (like Meg Ryan) knew how to fake it! I wish it was fake it till you make it but there was no making it here!

Dr Sam however continued to enjoy whatever was going on. And all I thought was – don’t yawn don’t yawn don’t yawn! I have never been so bored during sex my entire life! Even his foreplay was making me snooze a little. Mercifully it didn’t last longer than 10-12 minutes. I decided to shower and actually nap.

I woke up thinking – I actually don’t want to here. I’d rather be home with my sister then going through this again. So I shamefully made a story about my sister not being well and that she was alone in the house (this part was true). I told him to stay and enjoy and that I would be in touch. But while we were chatting, he also received a call to see a patient fairly urgently. I encouraged him to go. It made me feel so much better!

Once Dr Sam had left, I took my sweet time to relax and pack before getting the Uber back to my sisters place. I didn’t get in touch with Dr Sam after that and neither did he. This I was glad about as at least it meant that I wasn’t the one who had completely ghosted him but it was mutual. And thankfully this ends the chapter of my 2nd tinder rendezvous with the smallest penis i have ever encountered 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Tinder Date – Part Two (Down Under)…

December 2017

With Seth firmly behind in my thoughts (TBH I didn’t thinkwe would meet up again), I left for Melbourne Australia. My thoughts were onlyabout my sister and prayers to heaven for the safe arrival of my baby nephewand our family’s first grand child. Doctors had warned he was going to comeearly so be prepared. So I of course arrived first week in December.

But the sweet baby was taking his sweet time. It was now the week before Christmas and doctors were thinking…if the baby doesn’t come soon, we’ll have to induce labour. INDUCE LABOUR? What! We thought he’d come super early (two previous miscarriages were at 5.5 – 6 months due to pre term labour).

So while I waited, I got bored. I could’nt really ask myheavily pregnant sister to do much…so with Seth firmly only in memory now, Idecided to join Tinder again. See what Australian men were out there. Thisshould be exciting.

Very quickly I started speaking to a guy “Dr Sam”. He was eager to meet and there was a lot of sexting…the type you become hot and heavy about and decide to take care of yourself 😉 So Dr Sam (male) and Sam (Me, female) decide to meet up. We had a couple of drinks and eventually returned to where his GP surgery was. I was not feeling it plus I was at the end of my periods. So Dr Sam pulled a chair across from me and told me to relax. Now – I’m not sure about folks out there…but when someone tells me to relax…I CANNOT RELAX ON COMMAND.

But the thing I agreed to do was take my shoes off.Unbeknown to me. . . he quickly took a hold of my feet and just gently restedthem on his lap…very close to his crotch. But then he started massaging myfeet. And that was heaven. “Are your feet bloated from the heat or are you onyour periods”? he had asked. WTF! I thought, I didn’t tell him I was on myperiods. But decided to go with the heat excuse…I didn’t even know my feet were“bloated”! I’m a small UK size 4 in my feet (not anywhere else though haha)

Anyways, as Dr Sam massaged my feet and I closed my eyes enjoying the feeling. He suddenly plopped my toe in his mouth and started sucking it. Wait What Was Happening Here. This is disgusting, stop stop stop. . . would’ve been the appropriate response except I have no idea why but this rather disgusting act was incredibly sexual. He did a bit of over the shirt fooling about but gave me amazing neck kisses and I just whimpered.

However, reminding myself about my periods, my heavily pregnant sister who was home and the fact I was not going to be sleeping with this guy, I somehow found the courage to say no. He was good about that and stopped and let me freshen up before dropping me home. Of course once I got home that night, we started sexting a lot and I gave in and made plans to see him again for a bit more than a toe suck!

Confessions: Wine with a Tinder Stranger

Where it all ended…or began?

Monday 4th of February 2019 at 00:23 “This is my last message to you. Please drop off my keys tomorrow morning. I will get a locksmith out tomorrow. And if you have any decency, return my money. I hope you’ve made your mother proud you sick son of a bitch”

This was my last text message to my ex-boyfriend of 14 months. I think it was pretty apt and appropriate and civilised given what I was feeling.

Doesn’t seem that long a relationship now that I write it … but when you spend so much time with one person…the 14 months could be like 4 years (not quite 14 years but you get the gist).

Lets call him Seth and lets call me Sam.

Seth and I first met on a wintry night in November in 2017 through the swipe at first sight app ‘Tinder‘. I had been single for about 3 years at this point and my last relationship was on and off spanning over 10 years before we parted ways. He is now unhappily married (more on him later…).

My friends had been urging me to meet someone, I knew I was ready to meet someone new and also I think I had developed a silly crush on my then flatmate – for no other reason except that we were living together and he was lovely.

(Wow – one paragraph – three guys…love freak sounds appropriate now!).

I declared to my flatmate “I am away on a date…I don’t actually feel like going” I confessed. “I’ll stay for a drink and then be back in an hour“. Of course Seth had called to say he was driving back from Perth and running over an hour late! I thought great! Perfect excuse to back out of this terrible idea. “We can just meet some other time” I had replied. But he was still keen to meet so we arranged to meet up at a cool trendy bar at 9.30pm. Now I’m a woman in my 30s . . . 9.30pm is almost bed time! So with an extra hour to kill, I decided to pour myself a cocktail of drinks, paint my nails a sinful red and book an Uber to take me to my date.

Seth was running late by another 20 minutes at this point. I took a seat next to the window and ordered myself a large glass of red wine. I did the whole…lets stare into my phone like something important is going on while I wait for this guy to show up who is already scored a mark off in my books. Anyways almost close to 10pm…this guy walks past the window – he stopped, turned around and gave me a very toothy grin. I loved it. Of course seconds later, he comes in – smells nice, dressed good and hugs me as he introduces himself. And it took about 0.00001 second for me to completely light up from the inside. I liked him. I IMMEDIATELY LIKED HIM.

The rest of the night was a blur – we talked and talked…I had more wine and he had more beer… We discovered we had the SAME birthday (although he was 5 years older than me (or was he??, more later). His surname had two extra letters in front of my surname and his family were Hindu but he was Catholic ….. WTF! This guy was describing ME. Like the male version of me. We valued the same thing. We liked the same things and hated the same things. It was insane! Before we knew it, the last orders were announced as it was closing time. We split the bill (now I personally offered to split the bill but as much as a feminist I am…guys offer to pay the bill on the first date regardless of what I just offered!).

Of course, drunk on wine and beer, we both started feeling hungry and were desperately looking around for a carry out place but it was dead of night. I only live 5 minutes away by uber – do you want to come to mine, he asked. Drunk and infatuated – for the first time in my life, i found myself in a Uber on my way to a complete stranger’s house who I had only met few hours before. This was very not like me!!!

So we get to his and he is a right gentleman, makes me tea – puts a pizza in the oven and we cuddle up on the sofa and kiss a little. But I was SO drunk I stopped anything from going further. But he made me so comfortable (or was it the wine?) that I go into his drawers and pull out his clothes for me to wear. He had smiled when he came in his room and saw me in his clothes. I told him again that I was not feeling well and was of course very drunk. And he was so sweet. He hugged me and kissed me and we slept…for all of 2-3 hours maybe.

Around 4am(ish) I began to sober up a bit and remember snuggling in closer into him. Partially because I was cold and partially because he still smelled nice! I remember him kissing me again and I gave into the kiss. Before I knew it, he was on top of me, taking my / his t-shirt off. He kissed my neck and I remember whimpering in sheer pleasure. In split seconds, he had pulled my trousers and entered me. I remember thinking – oh shit, we’re having sex! He didn’t ask and I didn’t say no. But it was good sex. I remember him being super hard and I enjoyed having him inside me. He had fingered me good as well and it was a powerful. His kisses were sublime and I gave into it.

I woke up at the sound of my alarm at 6.45am. I was working at 9am and needed to get back to my flat soon. Seth had kissed me again when I was trying to wake up and the kiss had turned into more intimate early morning sex. I finally got out of bed to dress and make myself appear presentable again. In the meantime, Seth had gone into the kitchen so he could make me tea and gave me snack while I ordered an uber back to mine. He hugged and kissed me goodbye.

On the taxi ride back home or was it the on my ‘ride of shame’ back home….i thought…shit! Did I just do that? Did I go home with a complete stranger? WTF! I chatted to the driver and remember the stormy weather from the night before has disappeared and in came the beautiful sunny winter’s morning. And I had put the key in to the door as my flatmate was getting out. I screamed good morning to him and jumped into bed while he locked the door and went to work. I didn’t really sleep much…just lay there for a bit thinking about all that had happened. Eventually, I dragged myself up from bed, took a shower and went to work. And that was the beginning of the end.

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