The heart is the most precious thing to break… without ever making a sound (Part 3 of 3)

Sunday 3rd February 2019

Have you ever experienced that feeling of going absolutely blind! I think I went blind. Yes it was night time and yes the room was dark. But for a few seconds as my heart pounded away and my mind drawing a complete blank – my eyes just went blind.

It’s funny though – medically your heart has nothing to do with feelings. It’s job is not to fuse emotions together. It needs to pump blood. Yet research shows when experiencing ‘heartache’ there is an actual physical pain present in the chest (https://greatist.com/happiness/science-broken-heart)

Even recalling and writing it all out, that stabbing pain in my chest comes and goes. Sometimes it lingers. If I allow myself to think about it a bit more…that blinding feeling slowly makes it way up.

As I made my way though Seth’s phone, I realised all the girls he was chatting with were white / white European girls. I come from a mixed racial background and he is Sri Lankan whose ex girlfriend from about 7 years ago was Polish. The first things that came to my mind was – is he trying to replace her and is he targeting white women for a reason?

(Reader’s Note: There is absolutely no racial undertones (from my side) about different races. I am literally the most tolerant, anti racist person there could be. I’ve experienced racism multiple times myself but I have never been or ever will be racist. Life’s too precious for that crap).

So I decided to reply to his bumble messages first. . . I can’t remember what I had said but it was highlighting how long we had been going out for, how many girls there were in this equation ..and that I wouldn’t trust him as far as a can throw him.

I had one brilliant girl reply (from Bumble) she had only just started messaging him. She was absolutely gobsmacked and was that voice of courage that I needed that night. Pack your things and live him. You deserve so much better she had said. Only difference was that Seth was in my home and in my bed.

After I sent out the messages, I needed to do more. Now I know this sounds so petty and he might be able to recover it later… but I proceeded to delete thousands upon thousands of his precious photos on his phone. They were mostly of him but also a lot of girls (including his ex girlfriend’s sister!)

I was still on his phone when Seth slightly woke up to sip a drink of water. I plugged courage. Now or never I told myself. “Seth, I’ve read your Bumble messages’” I declared. He giggled over this and smiled (though half asleep) and he replied “yeah, what did it say”. At this point I jumped out of bed and switched the bedroom lights on. NO I said. I’ve read all your messages including Facebook and calmly handed his phone over. I also told him I had messaged some of the girls.

Meanwhile, I grabbed his clothes and turned around and said to him, ‘please get dressed and go right now…you’ve never been honest with me’. I think he was still very confused at this point. He sort of looked at me then scrunched his face and went on his phone to read things. I let him be as I went to the living room to fetch his jacket and scarf.

He was fully awake now but didn’t say a thing. “Quick hurry up” I said to him. He eventually got out of the bed and started putting his clothes on. “I’ll grab your shoes as well” I said. When I walked back into the room he looked at me and then looked at his phone and was scrolling.

“Hurry Up” I said again “You’ll have plenty of time to read that”. I suddenly started to shiver. I didn’t know whether it was the cold or the adrenaline or the anger that was making me shiver. Seth put his shoes on and I waited for him then led him towards the front door where I unlocked the latches and waited for him. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him though. I remember him pausing and looking at me. But he still didn’t say anything. As he stepped out of the flat . . . I slowly shut the door behind him and locked it again.

And then I went to bed.

The heart is the most precious thing to break… without ever making a sound (Part 2 of 3)

Sunday 3rd February 2019

It was almost 11pm and Seth was blissfully sleeping. I was still lying in his arms, lost in thought as I reflected more on the film Lion. All the crying had left me a little exhausted and my eyes…a bit tired.

As soon as I shut my eyes, I was rudely awoken by the Spotify ads – THRICE now. I had to switch the music off if I were to get any sleep tonight. I gently came out of Seth’s arms and leaned to grab his phones to switch his music off.

He has a much cooler, newer phone that my little iPhone so it took me a wee while to adjust. I managed to stop the music and return to the home page. And that’s when I saw it.

He had a few notifications on Bumble. (For those who don’t know, Bumble is a free dating site). I freaked a little bit. What the hell I thought to myself and clicked on the icon. There were 4 messages here from girls he had matched me. He was telling them how he was now back from holiday and was feeling cold. There was a couple of messages about meeting up.

I went from tired to fully awake in split seconds. Wrapping my head around what I was reading. I needed to find out more. So I randomly went into his WhatsApp and Facebook messages. It was the messages on Facebook actually that made my world stop.

Messages went back days, weeks, months and even maybe years. There were maybe messages from around 7-10 different girls / women.

  • A woman whose flat he left his scarf at
  • A woman who he may have hooked up with during the festival who was living in Poland, another exactly in the same situation in Denmark (more about this later!).
  • There was another woman he met when he was out with his friends
  • There was a woman with the ‘cute baby’
  • Another woman who he gave his address to and invited for a ‘bit of fun’ and to smoke weed
  • Another woman who was on a night out and there were plans to meet at 3am
  • A woman who had a fight with her boss and Seth was on his way in an Uber to her place but she was very upset and didn’t let him in … so he had taken a screenshot of his return ride back to his home and a waste of £14 something.
  • And yet another woman who had now started dating someone else and had politely asked him to back off but he was still pursuing her.

There were others, flirtatious ones. Some more some less than others. . .

Do you remember that utter bliss I had written about from earlier that day. . . that peace, that love, that just being one with someone else. It was all gone.

Confessions: The Morning After the Night Before…

With my mind still buzzing away from previous nights frivolities…and the lack of sleep and too much wine was making this particular Friday a very slow one. What had I just done. Did I really just spend the night with a complete stranger.

In true Sam fashion, I started analysing it all. Yes we had good chemistry, he made me feel so comfortable but there was something about Seth that I just couldn’t put my finger on. Was it that he was a cheeky chap…I wasn’t the biggest fan of his accent or grammar (or the lack of) which is saying something because my grammar is also iffy. (Note: English is both of our 2nd language!). Or was it that he became too comfortable too quickly. He didn’t have a job but was doing bits and bobs. I wasn’t sure what the bit’s and bobs were…mind he was running late the night before … lots of questions swirled in my mind and all around.

Mercifully the day ended and I went back to my flat. I needed to pack actually! I was going to be flying out to Australia in a couple of days to be with my elder sister who was about 8.5 months pregnant (and had unfortunately suffered two miscarriages previously). While packing, I realised I had left my beloved statement necklace at Seth’s place. So I sent him a message and asked if I could pick it up or if he could drop it off. (Now I can’t remember what the actual wording was but later in the evening and according to the trained male eye of my flatmate, he said that it was bit of a suggestion / invitation!).

The next thing I know, Seth called, he was going to drop it off and I was grateful because I was shattered and had too many things to organise. So I gave him my address and went about running my errands and eventually settled in for the night watching Planet Earth or something with my flatmate.

Shortly after 10pm, the door bell goes. Patrick (my flatmate at the time) and I looked at each other and I was like oh it’s Seth dropping off the necklace, he’ll be 2 seconds. I opened the door and there he was – dressed in my colours of blues and tan and again there was the smile that I was very much attracted to! But what’s he holing!!!!??? A bottle of red wine!!! It’s 10am. I’m leaving tomorrow! Wait…is this a booty call!?? I said hello and we went into my room so we wouldn’t disturb Patrick.

Seth was there for action and ready to stay! I told him sorry but ‘I need to pack and sleep…’ but he was insisting on just having a glass of wine and then he’d be on his way. After much to’ing and fro’ing, I had to tell him no. He finally accepted it but immediately decided to add me as a friend of Facebook. I kept thinking at this point…could I lie about not having FB? I’ve only just met the guy and yes we’ve done the deed but I don’t really know him!!! In the end, he won and we became Facebook friends that night before I turned him away so he could go back home.

Patrick and I laughed about it and confirming it was a booty call. He did bring my necklace over (phew) but oh well no harm done. Later that night, as I lay in bed…I could hear something. Wait…I think Patrick is pleasuring himself 😉 and I got very hot and bothered and a crazy part of me wanted to knock on his door and give him a helping hand. My head and heart was pounding. NOW OR NEVER I told myself…You have nothing to lose (except an awesome flatmate!) and I marched in my room and went to the loo to listen more carefully but in the end – sanity prevailed and I didn’t take that leap. THANK GOD. That would be an entirely different narrative! Hahaha 🙂

Confessions: Wine with a Tinder Stranger

Where it all ended…or began?

Monday 4th of February 2019 at 00:23 “This is my last message to you. Please drop off my keys tomorrow morning. I will get a locksmith out tomorrow. And if you have any decency, return my money. I hope you’ve made your mother proud you sick son of a bitch”

This was my last text message to my ex-boyfriend of 14 months. I think it was pretty apt and appropriate and civilised given what I was feeling.

Doesn’t seem that long a relationship now that I write it … but when you spend so much time with one person…the 14 months could be like 4 years (not quite 14 years but you get the gist).

Lets call him Seth and lets call me Sam.

Seth and I first met on a wintry night in November in 2017 through the swipe at first sight app ‘Tinder‘. I had been single for about 3 years at this point and my last relationship was on and off spanning over 10 years before we parted ways. He is now unhappily married (more on him later…).

My friends had been urging me to meet someone, I knew I was ready to meet someone new and also I think I had developed a silly crush on my then flatmate – for no other reason except that we were living together and he was lovely.

(Wow – one paragraph – three guys…love freak sounds appropriate now!).

I declared to my flatmate “I am away on a date…I don’t actually feel like going” I confessed. “I’ll stay for a drink and then be back in an hour“. Of course Seth had called to say he was driving back from Perth and running over an hour late! I thought great! Perfect excuse to back out of this terrible idea. “We can just meet some other time” I had replied. But he was still keen to meet so we arranged to meet up at a cool trendy bar at 9.30pm. Now I’m a woman in my 30s . . . 9.30pm is almost bed time! So with an extra hour to kill, I decided to pour myself a cocktail of drinks, paint my nails a sinful red and book an Uber to take me to my date.

Seth was running late by another 20 minutes at this point. I took a seat next to the window and ordered myself a large glass of red wine. I did the whole…lets stare into my phone like something important is going on while I wait for this guy to show up who is already scored a mark off in my books. Anyways almost close to 10pm…this guy walks past the window – he stopped, turned around and gave me a very toothy grin. I loved it. Of course seconds later, he comes in – smells nice, dressed good and hugs me as he introduces himself. And it took about 0.00001 second for me to completely light up from the inside. I liked him. I IMMEDIATELY LIKED HIM.

The rest of the night was a blur – we talked and talked…I had more wine and he had more beer… We discovered we had the SAME birthday (although he was 5 years older than me (or was he??, more later). His surname had two extra letters in front of my surname and his family were Hindu but he was Catholic ….. WTF! This guy was describing ME. Like the male version of me. We valued the same thing. We liked the same things and hated the same things. It was insane! Before we knew it, the last orders were announced as it was closing time. We split the bill (now I personally offered to split the bill but as much as a feminist I am…guys offer to pay the bill on the first date regardless of what I just offered!).

Of course, drunk on wine and beer, we both started feeling hungry and were desperately looking around for a carry out place but it was dead of night. I only live 5 minutes away by uber – do you want to come to mine, he asked. Drunk and infatuated – for the first time in my life, i found myself in a Uber on my way to a complete stranger’s house who I had only met few hours before. This was very not like me!!!

So we get to his and he is a right gentleman, makes me tea – puts a pizza in the oven and we cuddle up on the sofa and kiss a little. But I was SO drunk I stopped anything from going further. But he made me so comfortable (or was it the wine?) that I go into his drawers and pull out his clothes for me to wear. He had smiled when he came in his room and saw me in his clothes. I told him again that I was not feeling well and was of course very drunk. And he was so sweet. He hugged me and kissed me and we slept…for all of 2-3 hours maybe.

Around 4am(ish) I began to sober up a bit and remember snuggling in closer into him. Partially because I was cold and partially because he still smelled nice! I remember him kissing me again and I gave into the kiss. Before I knew it, he was on top of me, taking my / his t-shirt off. He kissed my neck and I remember whimpering in sheer pleasure. In split seconds, he had pulled my trousers and entered me. I remember thinking – oh shit, we’re having sex! He didn’t ask and I didn’t say no. But it was good sex. I remember him being super hard and I enjoyed having him inside me. He had fingered me good as well and it was a powerful. His kisses were sublime and I gave into it.

I woke up at the sound of my alarm at 6.45am. I was working at 9am and needed to get back to my flat soon. Seth had kissed me again when I was trying to wake up and the kiss had turned into more intimate early morning sex. I finally got out of bed to dress and make myself appear presentable again. In the meantime, Seth had gone into the kitchen so he could make me tea and gave me snack while I ordered an uber back to mine. He hugged and kissed me goodbye.

On the taxi ride back home or was it the on my ‘ride of shame’ back home….i thought…shit! Did I just do that? Did I go home with a complete stranger? WTF! I chatted to the driver and remember the stormy weather from the night before has disappeared and in came the beautiful sunny winter’s morning. And I had put the key in to the door as my flatmate was getting out. I screamed good morning to him and jumped into bed while he locked the door and went to work. I didn’t really sleep much…just lay there for a bit thinking about all that had happened. Eventually, I dragged myself up from bed, took a shower and went to work. And that was the beginning of the end.

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