Prayers with Bhudda and Baths in Buda

I’ve had a fab time these last two weeks. Amazing what a bit of the prayer and reflection can bring.

So last weekend, a friend and I drove down to Scottish Borders and stayed two nights at Samye Ling which is a Bhuddist monastery. We had booked on to a meditation course and it was the perfect down time and reflection time that I needed. The temple and surroundings were so peaceful and you couldn’t help but feel OK. And if anyone does ever fancy a trip down to Samye Ling – try their homemade chai latte or sky chai! Beautiful!!!!

I found myself taking notes but finding forgiveness for Sam. Yes trust was broken. I lost my friend, my lover, my companion and someone I hoped would one day be be my husband all in one night.

When I broke up with my ex boyfriend who I had been with for 10 years – there were tears, heartbreak but understanding because we had grown up and grown apart. With Sam – things were blissful one day and tragic next.

However I keep thinking – what if I discovered his philandering ways after marriage? What if there was a kid involved? What if I stayed longer? But also – I wonder – is he a sex addict?

But regardless of all things – I made my peace with it. Of course like every other 30-something year old single woman, I have wondered all the things that one does: –

  1. Was it me? Did I do something wrong?
  1. Will I die alone?
  1. I should really exercise more and eat more healthy!
  1. Should I get a dog or dye my hair a cool funky colour?
  1. Should I adopt a child or should I think of getting a sperm donor or should I be thinking of getting my eggs frozen (not a joke at all but my local radio has been advertising this religiously)
  2. Ooooh I should become more sexually adventurous now that I suddenly don’t have one person to be attached to! Maybe tick off that threesome off my bucket list?
  1. Fuk it – I’m over men and turning a lesbian (readers note – I am pro LBGTQ+ but I’m sure every girl out there has wondered this) 🤦‍♀️
  1. Or should I order a mountain of food (see point 3!)

Of course reality was all I wanted to do was sleep! Yes I had peace and forgiveness but bloody hell the mind continues to wonder and ponder!

The heart is the most precious thing to break… without ever making a sound (Part 1 of 3)

Readers Note: I’ve only been blogging for a couple of weeks and I am very much a novice. The idea really is to use this platform as an outlet to express myself and understand myself. Sometimes things become clearer if you just put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and let the thoughts formulate.

It has been difficult to almost provide a chronological order of events but the blog is still taking shape so hopefully I will be able to put some time lines here! This is a complete jump from the last post ‘Broken Toes and Mended Hearts’ (took place January 2018) to this post which is based on the events from earlier this month (2019). I had to write this sooner than expected. To make sense of things. To come to terms with it myself before explaining it to anyone else. I’ve divided in into 3 parts! – Love, Samx

Sunday 3rd February 2019

Seth and I finally had time on Saturday to just have dinner and chill at the flat. I had been working during the day so this was perfect. I made a roast chicken meal with peppercorn sauce and roasted veggies. If I can say so myself – it was divine!

When Seth knocked at the door, my music was blaring and I was still undressed from my shower. Thankfully my flatmate (new one) had opened the door and they chit chatted away. I was finally dressed and dinner was served. We had only seen each other at the beginning of the week so we just sat, had wine and just chatted. It was blissful. We ended up also doing 1 tequila shot before beautiful intimate time and we dozed off.

The next day – Sunday morning was just blissful, peaceful and playful. We had a long lie and I was feeling flirtatious and I got a bit ‘handsy’. With my flatmate and her husband in the room next door…I just tried my best to hold all wimps and cries at bay. Of course I own the worlds creakiest bed and that did not help. However, Seth always gets this look when we’re right in the throes of passion…it’s kind of cheeky chappy but joyful and hungry and the kind that you can’t help but stare back and smile at. We had THE BEST morning.

Little did I know that this blissful morning will be our last one together.

I had jumped out of bed to make us eggs and toast for breakfast in bed. We had a concert later on in the afternoon and both of us needed to shower and get ready. So after brunch, Seth left to go back to his and we planned to meet at the concert hall before the show.

The show was a multi-lingual show of a singer we both loved. I understood Hindi and he understood Tamil. It was beautiful and left us singing and wanting more music as we made it back to his car. It was about 7.30pm now and both of us were hungry and trying to find a restaurant. We stopped at our favourite restaurant which was very close to my old flat. However, they were fully booked and we ended up just buying a bottle of wine, ordering takeaway and finally decided on a movie that we both wanted to watch. (Lion, Nicola Kidman and Dev Patel).

Now the issue with ‘Lion’ is – it left me a bit too emotional. I’ve always wanted to adopt a child (one of my teachers in school was adopted and we were always encouraged to give to orphanages as a child) so this was very very close to my heart. And Mum and I had seen some awful things on our trip to India (we encountered a child slave and did not know he was one!, a bit naïve on our part I know).

So there we were, wine, dine and candles with Netflix and a cosy sofa and with me crying my eyes out. Seth was being funny and silly so that I would stop crying. I slightly explained to him it was not just the film that got me emotional but past experiences as well. Anyways – we had gone to bed and we cuddled up. I had apologised for crying and getting a bit emotional but he was just lovely as always. He hugged me and put some beautiful soothing music on on his Spotify and I lay peacefully on his chest listening to him breathe as he fell as asleep.

Broken Toe and Mended Hearts

Saturday 20th January 2018

Despite my reservations about Seth, I was feeling rather lonely back in the cold and dark Scottish weather.

We arrange to meet up the first Saturday I was back home from Australia. I thought, I’ve got nothing to lose. Plus I did immensely enjoy his company when we first met.

So, we ended u going to a lush Indian restaurant with BYOB and he was lovely enough to remember to bring red wine. However, it was all a bit comical. He had hurt his toe in a football game and although dressed to the nines, he had flip flops on. It was hilarious.

We had the most amazing dinner and chat – we never ran out of things to talk about to the point we hadn’t realised that the restaurant had pretty much cleared around us and it was closing time.

Now because of his broken toe, we ended up taking a taxi back to my flat – which was a slow 5 minutes walk away. Once home, we settled in for the night and I thought hmmm maybe we shouldn’t be intimate given that we really only had been out once before today.

However, the thing about Seth and I was … we had a weird chemistry. Since like the first minute of meeting each other. It was the kind that goes through your veins. We ended up in a passionate kiss and have you ever heard of people describing of dizzying kisses! Seth and I had those dizzying kisses…the type that gives you a deep groan and moan.

Now you can argue, but Sam was it the kiss or was it the wine? (I also realise the red wine sometimes features heavily in my blogs…I promise you I am not an alcoholic but do love my glass of wine when I’m out haha!).

As the saying goes one thing led to another and Seth and his broken toe managed to lift me and put me against the wall or picked me up off the bed for amazing sex! The thing about Seth however was also that he was not selfish. I am sure he ought to be in pain…but he always made sure that I had a good time and it was another reason my heart grew fond of him very quickly.

Writing this today as a reflection makes this very bittersweet. How can I smile at a memory of a person who I now know is nothing but a vile and untrustworthy person.

Confessions: Wine with a Tinder Stranger

Where it all ended…or began?

Monday 4th of February 2019 at 00:23 “This is my last message to you. Please drop off my keys tomorrow morning. I will get a locksmith out tomorrow. And if you have any decency, return my money. I hope you’ve made your mother proud you sick son of a bitch”

This was my last text message to my ex-boyfriend of 14 months. I think it was pretty apt and appropriate and civilised given what I was feeling.

Doesn’t seem that long a relationship now that I write it … but when you spend so much time with one person…the 14 months could be like 4 years (not quite 14 years but you get the gist).

Lets call him Seth and lets call me Sam.

Seth and I first met on a wintry night in November in 2017 through the swipe at first sight app ‘Tinder‘. I had been single for about 3 years at this point and my last relationship was on and off spanning over 10 years before we parted ways. He is now unhappily married (more on him later…).

My friends had been urging me to meet someone, I knew I was ready to meet someone new and also I think I had developed a silly crush on my then flatmate – for no other reason except that we were living together and he was lovely.

(Wow – one paragraph – three guys…love freak sounds appropriate now!).

I declared to my flatmate “I am away on a date…I don’t actually feel like going” I confessed. “I’ll stay for a drink and then be back in an hour“. Of course Seth had called to say he was driving back from Perth and running over an hour late! I thought great! Perfect excuse to back out of this terrible idea. “We can just meet some other time” I had replied. But he was still keen to meet so we arranged to meet up at a cool trendy bar at 9.30pm. Now I’m a woman in my 30s . . . 9.30pm is almost bed time! So with an extra hour to kill, I decided to pour myself a cocktail of drinks, paint my nails a sinful red and book an Uber to take me to my date.

Seth was running late by another 20 minutes at this point. I took a seat next to the window and ordered myself a large glass of red wine. I did the whole…lets stare into my phone like something important is going on while I wait for this guy to show up who is already scored a mark off in my books. Anyways almost close to 10pm…this guy walks past the window – he stopped, turned around and gave me a very toothy grin. I loved it. Of course seconds later, he comes in – smells nice, dressed good and hugs me as he introduces himself. And it took about 0.00001 second for me to completely light up from the inside. I liked him. I IMMEDIATELY LIKED HIM.

The rest of the night was a blur – we talked and talked…I had more wine and he had more beer… We discovered we had the SAME birthday (although he was 5 years older than me (or was he??, more later). His surname had two extra letters in front of my surname and his family were Hindu but he was Catholic ….. WTF! This guy was describing ME. Like the male version of me. We valued the same thing. We liked the same things and hated the same things. It was insane! Before we knew it, the last orders were announced as it was closing time. We split the bill (now I personally offered to split the bill but as much as a feminist I am…guys offer to pay the bill on the first date regardless of what I just offered!).

Of course, drunk on wine and beer, we both started feeling hungry and were desperately looking around for a carry out place but it was dead of night. I only live 5 minutes away by uber – do you want to come to mine, he asked. Drunk and infatuated – for the first time in my life, i found myself in a Uber on my way to a complete stranger’s house who I had only met few hours before. This was very not like me!!!

So we get to his and he is a right gentleman, makes me tea – puts a pizza in the oven and we cuddle up on the sofa and kiss a little. But I was SO drunk I stopped anything from going further. But he made me so comfortable (or was it the wine?) that I go into his drawers and pull out his clothes for me to wear. He had smiled when he came in his room and saw me in his clothes. I told him again that I was not feeling well and was of course very drunk. And he was so sweet. He hugged me and kissed me and we slept…for all of 2-3 hours maybe.

Around 4am(ish) I began to sober up a bit and remember snuggling in closer into him. Partially because I was cold and partially because he still smelled nice! I remember him kissing me again and I gave into the kiss. Before I knew it, he was on top of me, taking my / his t-shirt off. He kissed my neck and I remember whimpering in sheer pleasure. In split seconds, he had pulled my trousers and entered me. I remember thinking – oh shit, we’re having sex! He didn’t ask and I didn’t say no. But it was good sex. I remember him being super hard and I enjoyed having him inside me. He had fingered me good as well and it was a powerful. His kisses were sublime and I gave into it.

I woke up at the sound of my alarm at 6.45am. I was working at 9am and needed to get back to my flat soon. Seth had kissed me again when I was trying to wake up and the kiss had turned into more intimate early morning sex. I finally got out of bed to dress and make myself appear presentable again. In the meantime, Seth had gone into the kitchen so he could make me tea and gave me snack while I ordered an uber back to mine. He hugged and kissed me goodbye.

On the taxi ride back home or was it the on my ‘ride of shame’ back home….i thought…shit! Did I just do that? Did I go home with a complete stranger? WTF! I chatted to the driver and remember the stormy weather from the night before has disappeared and in came the beautiful sunny winter’s morning. And I had put the key in to the door as my flatmate was getting out. I screamed good morning to him and jumped into bed while he locked the door and went to work. I didn’t really sleep much…just lay there for a bit thinking about all that had happened. Eventually, I dragged myself up from bed, took a shower and went to work. And that was the beginning of the end.

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