The heart is the most precious thing to break… without ever making a sound (Part 3 of 3)

Sunday 3rd February 2019

Have you ever experienced that feeling of going absolutely blind! I think I went blind. Yes it was night time and yes the room was dark. But for a few seconds as my heart pounded away and my mind drawing a complete blank – my eyes just went blind.

It’s funny though – medically your heart has nothing to do with feelings. It’s job is not to fuse emotions together. It needs to pump blood. Yet research shows when experiencing ‘heartache’ there is an actual physical pain present in the chest (https://greatist.com/happiness/science-broken-heart)

Even recalling and writing it all out, that stabbing pain in my chest comes and goes. Sometimes it lingers. If I allow myself to think about it a bit more…that blinding feeling slowly makes it way up.

As I made my way though Seth’s phone, I realised all the girls he was chatting with were white / white European girls. I come from a mixed racial background and he is Sri Lankan whose ex girlfriend from about 7 years ago was Polish. The first things that came to my mind was – is he trying to replace her and is he targeting white women for a reason?

(Reader’s Note: There is absolutely no racial undertones (from my side) about different races. I am literally the most tolerant, anti racist person there could be. I’ve experienced racism multiple times myself but I have never been or ever will be racist. Life’s too precious for that crap).

So I decided to reply to his bumble messages first. . . I can’t remember what I had said but it was highlighting how long we had been going out for, how many girls there were in this equation ..and that I wouldn’t trust him as far as a can throw him.

I had one brilliant girl reply (from Bumble) she had only just started messaging him. She was absolutely gobsmacked and was that voice of courage that I needed that night. Pack your things and live him. You deserve so much better she had said. Only difference was that Seth was in my home and in my bed.

After I sent out the messages, I needed to do more. Now I know this sounds so petty and he might be able to recover it later… but I proceeded to delete thousands upon thousands of his precious photos on his phone. They were mostly of him but also a lot of girls (including his ex girlfriend’s sister!)

I was still on his phone when Seth slightly woke up to sip a drink of water. I plugged courage. Now or never I told myself. “Seth, I’ve read your Bumble messages’” I declared. He giggled over this and smiled (though half asleep) and he replied “yeah, what did it say”. At this point I jumped out of bed and switched the bedroom lights on. NO I said. I’ve read all your messages including Facebook and calmly handed his phone over. I also told him I had messaged some of the girls.

Meanwhile, I grabbed his clothes and turned around and said to him, ‘please get dressed and go right now…you’ve never been honest with me’. I think he was still very confused at this point. He sort of looked at me then scrunched his face and went on his phone to read things. I let him be as I went to the living room to fetch his jacket and scarf.

He was fully awake now but didn’t say a thing. “Quick hurry up” I said to him. He eventually got out of the bed and started putting his clothes on. “I’ll grab your shoes as well” I said. When I walked back into the room he looked at me and then looked at his phone and was scrolling.

“Hurry Up” I said again “You’ll have plenty of time to read that”. I suddenly started to shiver. I didn’t know whether it was the cold or the adrenaline or the anger that was making me shiver. Seth put his shoes on and I waited for him then led him towards the front door where I unlocked the latches and waited for him. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him though. I remember him pausing and looking at me. But he still didn’t say anything. As he stepped out of the flat . . . I slowly shut the door behind him and locked it again.

And then I went to bed.

The heart is the most precious thing to break… without ever making a sound (Part 2 of 3)

Sunday 3rd February 2019

It was almost 11pm and Seth was blissfully sleeping. I was still lying in his arms, lost in thought as I reflected more on the film Lion. All the crying had left me a little exhausted and my eyes…a bit tired.

As soon as I shut my eyes, I was rudely awoken by the Spotify ads – THRICE now. I had to switch the music off if I were to get any sleep tonight. I gently came out of Seth’s arms and leaned to grab his phones to switch his music off.

He has a much cooler, newer phone that my little iPhone so it took me a wee while to adjust. I managed to stop the music and return to the home page. And that’s when I saw it.

He had a few notifications on Bumble. (For those who don’t know, Bumble is a free dating site). I freaked a little bit. What the hell I thought to myself and clicked on the icon. There were 4 messages here from girls he had matched me. He was telling them how he was now back from holiday and was feeling cold. There was a couple of messages about meeting up.

I went from tired to fully awake in split seconds. Wrapping my head around what I was reading. I needed to find out more. So I randomly went into his WhatsApp and Facebook messages. It was the messages on Facebook actually that made my world stop.

Messages went back days, weeks, months and even maybe years. There were maybe messages from around 7-10 different girls / women.

  • A woman whose flat he left his scarf at
  • A woman who he may have hooked up with during the festival who was living in Poland, another exactly in the same situation in Denmark (more about this later!).
  • There was another woman he met when he was out with his friends
  • There was a woman with the ‘cute baby’
  • Another woman who he gave his address to and invited for a ‘bit of fun’ and to smoke weed
  • Another woman who was on a night out and there were plans to meet at 3am
  • A woman who had a fight with her boss and Seth was on his way in an Uber to her place but she was very upset and didn’t let him in … so he had taken a screenshot of his return ride back to his home and a waste of £14 something.
  • And yet another woman who had now started dating someone else and had politely asked him to back off but he was still pursuing her.

There were others, flirtatious ones. Some more some less than others. . .

Do you remember that utter bliss I had written about from earlier that day. . . that peace, that love, that just being one with someone else. It was all gone.

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