Sunday 3rd February 2019
Have you ever experienced that feeling of going absolutely blind! I think I went blind. Yes it was night time and yes the room was dark. But for a few seconds as my heart pounded away and my mind drawing a complete blank – my eyes just went blind.
It’s funny though – medically your heart has nothing to do with feelings. It’s job is not to fuse emotions together. It needs to pump blood. Yet research shows when experiencing ‘heartache’ there is an actual physical pain present in the chest (https://greatist.com/happiness/science-broken-heart)
Even recalling and writing it all out, that stabbing pain in my chest comes and goes. Sometimes it lingers. If I allow myself to think about it a bit more…that blinding feeling slowly makes it way up.
As I made my way though Seth’s phone, I realised all the girls he was chatting with were white / white European girls. I come from a mixed racial background and he is Sri Lankan whose ex girlfriend from about 7 years ago was Polish. The first things that came to my mind was – is he trying to replace her and is he targeting white women for a reason?
(Reader’s Note: There is absolutely no racial undertones (from my side) about different races. I am literally the most tolerant, anti racist person there could be. I’ve experienced racism multiple times myself but I have never been or ever will be racist. Life’s too precious for that crap).
So I decided to reply to his bumble messages first. . . I can’t remember what I had said but it was highlighting how long we had been going out for, how many girls there were in this equation ..and that I wouldn’t trust him as far as a can throw him.
I had one brilliant girl reply (from Bumble) she had only just started messaging him. She was absolutely gobsmacked and was that voice of courage that I needed that night. Pack your things and live him. You deserve so much better she had said. Only difference was that Seth was in my home and in my bed.
After I sent out the messages, I needed to do more. Now I know this sounds so petty and he might be able to recover it later… but I proceeded to delete thousands upon thousands of his precious photos on his phone. They were mostly of him but also a lot of girls (including his ex girlfriend’s sister!)
I was still on his phone when Seth slightly woke up to sip a drink of water. I plugged courage. Now or never I told myself. “Seth, I’ve read your Bumble messages’” I declared. He giggled over this and smiled (though half asleep) and he replied “yeah, what did it say”. At this point I jumped out of bed and switched the bedroom lights on. NO I said. I’ve read all your messages including Facebook and calmly handed his phone over. I also told him I had messaged some of the girls.
Meanwhile, I grabbed his clothes and turned around and said to him, ‘please get dressed and go right now…you’ve never been honest with me’. I think he was still very confused at this point. He sort of looked at me then scrunched his face and went on his phone to read things. I let him be as I went to the living room to fetch his jacket and scarf.
He was fully awake now but didn’t say a thing. “Quick hurry up” I said to him. He eventually got out of the bed and started putting his clothes on. “I’ll grab your shoes as well” I said. When I walked back into the room he looked at me and then looked at his phone and was scrolling.
“Hurry Up” I said again “You’ll have plenty of time to read that”. I suddenly started to shiver. I didn’t know whether it was the cold or the adrenaline or the anger that was making me shiver. Seth put his shoes on and I waited for him then led him towards the front door where I unlocked the latches and waited for him. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him though. I remember him pausing and looking at me. But he still didn’t say anything. As he stepped out of the flat . . . I slowly shut the door behind him and locked it again.
And then I went to bed.