Prayers with Bhudda and Baths in Buda – Part 1

I’ve had a fab time these last two weeks. Amazing what a bit of the prayer and reflection can bring.

So last weekend, a friend and I drove down to Scottish Borders and stayed two nights at Samye Ling which is a Bhuddist monastery. We had booked on to a meditation course and it was the perfect down time and reflection time that I needed. The temple and surroundings were so peaceful and you couldn’t help but feel OK. And if anyone does ever fancy a trip down to Samye Ling – try their homemade chai latte or sky chai! Beautiful!!!!

I found myself taking notes but finding forgiveness for Sam. Yes trust was broken. I lost my friend, my lover, my companion and someone I hoped would one day be be my husband all in one night.

When I broke up with my ex boyfriend who I had been with for 10 years – there were tears, heartbreak but understanding because we had grown up and grown apart. With Sam – things were blissful one day and tragic next.

However I keep thinking – what if I discovered his philandering ways after marriage? What if there was a kid involved? What if I stayed longer? But also – I wonder – is he a sex addict?

But regardless of all things – I made my peace with it. Of course like every other 30-something year old single woman, I have wondered all the things that one does: –

  1. Was it me? Did I do something wrong?
  1. Will I die alone?
  1. I should really exercise more and eat more healthy!
  1. Should I get a dog or dye my hair a cool funky colour?
  1. Should I adopt a child or should I think of getting a sperm donor or should I be thinking of getting my eggs frozen (not a joke at all but my local radio has been advertising this religiously)
  2. Ooooh I should become more sexually adventurous now that I suddenly don’t have one person to be attached to! Maybe tick off that threesome off my bucket list?
  1. Fuk it – I’m over men and turning a lesbian (readers note – I am pro LBGTQ+ but I’m sure every girl out there has wondered this) 🤦‍♀️
  1. Or should I order a mountain of food (see point 3!)

Of course reality was all I wanted to do was sleep! Yes I had peace and forgiveness but bloody hell the mind continues to wonder and ponder!

Over and Under…

26th March 2019

Gosh I have not posted anything in so long…..! Sorry Folks. I was clearly not made to be a professional blogger! Haha. Between a full time job, a part time job and a full time MSc that I do in my part time…the blog has suffered.

But also – I think sometimes when the writing stops when the healing starts. Since my last post – I think I am on that healing journey. A lot of the things I have thought about in hindsight. Isn’t hindsight a gift.

It’s been almost two months since I kicked my lovely boyfriend out in the middle of the night after discovering he had been cheating on me with multiple women. There’s lots of research and theories etc etc about why people do it including when in happy relationships.

All I know is that I trusted this person. It was as if we were made for each other but clearly something went wrong somewhere. Maybe it got boring. Maybe there was no ‘chasing’ anymore. Frankly, I don’t know. But as we were intimate the night this all went down, the one thing I found the most difficult was looking back and remembering the happy times. To be honest, all I did have were the good times. Anything I discovered and the reality of it was what I read within that awful hour. It was nothing compared to the millions of hours we spent together.

However, a wise (or an unwise) friend once said, to get over someone – you must get under someone. And folks – I don’t see myself going into a relationship any time soon. So I did what I assume most of you would’ve done once or twice. Go online! But arghhh the effort and work that is needed to get to know and meet a whole new person was just ridiculous so I lasted on Tinder for all of a few hours.

BUT in those few hours, I discovered a man (white, Scottish) who was 18 years my senior!!! Lets call him John (very Scottish ;-)). John and I ended up chatting and exchanged numbers. Because frankly guys my age (early 30s) are on extreme scales. . . or just automatically assume that they would peak my (or any other girls interest) by sending a dick pic. DEAR GUYS – PLEASE STOP. PLEASE STOP SENDING PICS WE’VE NEVER ASKED FOR.

When John and I started chatting – it escalated quickly to a lot of sexting. And the kind that gets you hot and bothered. SOOOO . . . one Friday night, I invited John over. He came in armed with two bottle of wine and I made dinner and was already on my second glass of wine to calm the nerves. But John being a man of experience and wisdom, put me right to ease and just kissed me.

Now his kisses weren’t the best. WHICH I THINK IS PERFECT. You’d want your boyfriend or someone you have fancied forever to kiss you that magical kiss. But what John did give me was a marathon of 5 hours of the best sex I’ve ever had in my life!!! I’ve read it in books and whatnot about these mythical super humans and I didn’t know John was one of those. Coz my GOD it was amazing and of course I told him so.

AND the best thing about this perfect arrangement is – I am not looking for a relationship. Neither his John. His wife actually passed away from cancer 3 year ago and although they were married for a month and half – they had been engaged for 16 years, bought a house together and raised a beautiful daughter who is now 12 years old.  And all the while he was talking a light bulb went off… I’ve MET JOHN BEFORE! That’s why he looked familiar. I was asked by a friend as a favour to facilitate a group of spouses who lost their Partner and 3 years ago I supported him in this group setting. Funny how small the world in.                   

The heart is the most precious thing to break… without ever making a sound (Part 3 of 3)

Sunday 3rd February 2019

Have you ever experienced that feeling of going absolutely blind! I think I went blind. Yes it was night time and yes the room was dark. But for a few seconds as my heart pounded away and my mind drawing a complete blank – my eyes just went blind.

It’s funny though – medically your heart has nothing to do with feelings. It’s job is not to fuse emotions together. It needs to pump blood. Yet research shows when experiencing ‘heartache’ there is an actual physical pain present in the chest (https://greatist.com/happiness/science-broken-heart)

Even recalling and writing it all out, that stabbing pain in my chest comes and goes. Sometimes it lingers. If I allow myself to think about it a bit more…that blinding feeling slowly makes it way up.

As I made my way though Seth’s phone, I realised all the girls he was chatting with were white / white European girls. I come from a mixed racial background and he is Sri Lankan whose ex girlfriend from about 7 years ago was Polish. The first things that came to my mind was – is he trying to replace her and is he targeting white women for a reason?

(Reader’s Note: There is absolutely no racial undertones (from my side) about different races. I am literally the most tolerant, anti racist person there could be. I’ve experienced racism multiple times myself but I have never been or ever will be racist. Life’s too precious for that crap).

So I decided to reply to his bumble messages first. . . I can’t remember what I had said but it was highlighting how long we had been going out for, how many girls there were in this equation ..and that I wouldn’t trust him as far as a can throw him.

I had one brilliant girl reply (from Bumble) she had only just started messaging him. She was absolutely gobsmacked and was that voice of courage that I needed that night. Pack your things and live him. You deserve so much better she had said. Only difference was that Seth was in my home and in my bed.

After I sent out the messages, I needed to do more. Now I know this sounds so petty and he might be able to recover it later… but I proceeded to delete thousands upon thousands of his precious photos on his phone. They were mostly of him but also a lot of girls (including his ex girlfriend’s sister!)

I was still on his phone when Seth slightly woke up to sip a drink of water. I plugged courage. Now or never I told myself. “Seth, I’ve read your Bumble messages’” I declared. He giggled over this and smiled (though half asleep) and he replied “yeah, what did it say”. At this point I jumped out of bed and switched the bedroom lights on. NO I said. I’ve read all your messages including Facebook and calmly handed his phone over. I also told him I had messaged some of the girls.

Meanwhile, I grabbed his clothes and turned around and said to him, ‘please get dressed and go right now…you’ve never been honest with me’. I think he was still very confused at this point. He sort of looked at me then scrunched his face and went on his phone to read things. I let him be as I went to the living room to fetch his jacket and scarf.

He was fully awake now but didn’t say a thing. “Quick hurry up” I said to him. He eventually got out of the bed and started putting his clothes on. “I’ll grab your shoes as well” I said. When I walked back into the room he looked at me and then looked at his phone and was scrolling.

“Hurry Up” I said again “You’ll have plenty of time to read that”. I suddenly started to shiver. I didn’t know whether it was the cold or the adrenaline or the anger that was making me shiver. Seth put his shoes on and I waited for him then led him towards the front door where I unlocked the latches and waited for him. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him though. I remember him pausing and looking at me. But he still didn’t say anything. As he stepped out of the flat . . . I slowly shut the door behind him and locked it again.

And then I went to bed.

The heart is the most precious thing to break… without ever making a sound (Part 2 of 3)

Sunday 3rd February 2019

It was almost 11pm and Seth was blissfully sleeping. I was still lying in his arms, lost in thought as I reflected more on the film Lion. All the crying had left me a little exhausted and my eyes…a bit tired.

As soon as I shut my eyes, I was rudely awoken by the Spotify ads – THRICE now. I had to switch the music off if I were to get any sleep tonight. I gently came out of Seth’s arms and leaned to grab his phones to switch his music off.

He has a much cooler, newer phone that my little iPhone so it took me a wee while to adjust. I managed to stop the music and return to the home page. And that’s when I saw it.

He had a few notifications on Bumble. (For those who don’t know, Bumble is a free dating site). I freaked a little bit. What the hell I thought to myself and clicked on the icon. There were 4 messages here from girls he had matched me. He was telling them how he was now back from holiday and was feeling cold. There was a couple of messages about meeting up.

I went from tired to fully awake in split seconds. Wrapping my head around what I was reading. I needed to find out more. So I randomly went into his WhatsApp and Facebook messages. It was the messages on Facebook actually that made my world stop.

Messages went back days, weeks, months and even maybe years. There were maybe messages from around 7-10 different girls / women.

  • A woman whose flat he left his scarf at
  • A woman who he may have hooked up with during the festival who was living in Poland, another exactly in the same situation in Denmark (more about this later!).
  • There was another woman he met when he was out with his friends
  • There was a woman with the ‘cute baby’
  • Another woman who he gave his address to and invited for a ‘bit of fun’ and to smoke weed
  • Another woman who was on a night out and there were plans to meet at 3am
  • A woman who had a fight with her boss and Seth was on his way in an Uber to her place but she was very upset and didn’t let him in … so he had taken a screenshot of his return ride back to his home and a waste of £14 something.
  • And yet another woman who had now started dating someone else and had politely asked him to back off but he was still pursuing her.

There were others, flirtatious ones. Some more some less than others. . .

Do you remember that utter bliss I had written about from earlier that day. . . that peace, that love, that just being one with someone else. It was all gone.

The heart is the most precious thing to break… without ever making a sound (Part 1 of 3)

Readers Note: I’ve only been blogging for a couple of weeks and I am very much a novice. The idea really is to use this platform as an outlet to express myself and understand myself. Sometimes things become clearer if you just put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and let the thoughts formulate.

It has been difficult to almost provide a chronological order of events but the blog is still taking shape so hopefully I will be able to put some time lines here! This is a complete jump from the last post ‘Broken Toes and Mended Hearts’ (took place January 2018) to this post which is based on the events from earlier this month (2019). I had to write this sooner than expected. To make sense of things. To come to terms with it myself before explaining it to anyone else. I’ve divided in into 3 parts! – Love, Samx

Sunday 3rd February 2019

Seth and I finally had time on Saturday to just have dinner and chill at the flat. I had been working during the day so this was perfect. I made a roast chicken meal with peppercorn sauce and roasted veggies. If I can say so myself – it was divine!

When Seth knocked at the door, my music was blaring and I was still undressed from my shower. Thankfully my flatmate (new one) had opened the door and they chit chatted away. I was finally dressed and dinner was served. We had only seen each other at the beginning of the week so we just sat, had wine and just chatted. It was blissful. We ended up also doing 1 tequila shot before beautiful intimate time and we dozed off.

The next day – Sunday morning was just blissful, peaceful and playful. We had a long lie and I was feeling flirtatious and I got a bit ‘handsy’. With my flatmate and her husband in the room next door…I just tried my best to hold all wimps and cries at bay. Of course I own the worlds creakiest bed and that did not help. However, Seth always gets this look when we’re right in the throes of passion…it’s kind of cheeky chappy but joyful and hungry and the kind that you can’t help but stare back and smile at. We had THE BEST morning.

Little did I know that this blissful morning will be our last one together.

I had jumped out of bed to make us eggs and toast for breakfast in bed. We had a concert later on in the afternoon and both of us needed to shower and get ready. So after brunch, Seth left to go back to his and we planned to meet at the concert hall before the show.

The show was a multi-lingual show of a singer we both loved. I understood Hindi and he understood Tamil. It was beautiful and left us singing and wanting more music as we made it back to his car. It was about 7.30pm now and both of us were hungry and trying to find a restaurant. We stopped at our favourite restaurant which was very close to my old flat. However, they were fully booked and we ended up just buying a bottle of wine, ordering takeaway and finally decided on a movie that we both wanted to watch. (Lion, Nicola Kidman and Dev Patel).

Now the issue with ‘Lion’ is – it left me a bit too emotional. I’ve always wanted to adopt a child (one of my teachers in school was adopted and we were always encouraged to give to orphanages as a child) so this was very very close to my heart. And Mum and I had seen some awful things on our trip to India (we encountered a child slave and did not know he was one!, a bit naïve on our part I know).

So there we were, wine, dine and candles with Netflix and a cosy sofa and with me crying my eyes out. Seth was being funny and silly so that I would stop crying. I slightly explained to him it was not just the film that got me emotional but past experiences as well. Anyways – we had gone to bed and we cuddled up. I had apologised for crying and getting a bit emotional but he was just lovely as always. He hugged me and put some beautiful soothing music on on his Spotify and I lay peacefully on his chest listening to him breathe as he fell as asleep.

Broken Toe and Mended Hearts

Saturday 20th January 2018

Despite my reservations about Seth, I was feeling rather lonely back in the cold and dark Scottish weather.

We arrange to meet up the first Saturday I was back home from Australia. I thought, I’ve got nothing to lose. Plus I did immensely enjoy his company when we first met.

So, we ended u going to a lush Indian restaurant with BYOB and he was lovely enough to remember to bring red wine. However, it was all a bit comical. He had hurt his toe in a football game and although dressed to the nines, he had flip flops on. It was hilarious.

We had the most amazing dinner and chat – we never ran out of things to talk about to the point we hadn’t realised that the restaurant had pretty much cleared around us and it was closing time.

Now because of his broken toe, we ended up taking a taxi back to my flat – which was a slow 5 minutes walk away. Once home, we settled in for the night and I thought hmmm maybe we shouldn’t be intimate given that we really only had been out once before today.

However, the thing about Seth and I was … we had a weird chemistry. Since like the first minute of meeting each other. It was the kind that goes through your veins. We ended up in a passionate kiss and have you ever heard of people describing of dizzying kisses! Seth and I had those dizzying kisses…the type that gives you a deep groan and moan.

Now you can argue, but Sam was it the kiss or was it the wine? (I also realise the red wine sometimes features heavily in my blogs…I promise you I am not an alcoholic but do love my glass of wine when I’m out haha!).

As the saying goes one thing led to another and Seth and his broken toe managed to lift me and put me against the wall or picked me up off the bed for amazing sex! The thing about Seth however was also that he was not selfish. I am sure he ought to be in pain…but he always made sure that I had a good time and it was another reason my heart grew fond of him very quickly.

Writing this today as a reflection makes this very bittersweet. How can I smile at a memory of a person who I now know is nothing but a vile and untrustworthy person.

New Arrival

Dr Sam and his little member was quickly forgotten about as I welcomed my first baby nephew – a true miracle that arrived a few days later on Christmas Day! He was and still is beautiful. I never quite understood the mountain of pictures and posts that people put up about babies till this wee gorgeous boy came into our lives.

Almost 2 weeks after his arrival I had gone for a solo trip to Sydney and stayed in the Bondi beach area in a shared Airbnb.

If you have never done a solo trip – do it!!! It’s crazy. There’ll be times of loneliness and times of sheer joy. There’s something amazing about being in your own company. I have done several solo trips before and each one has strengthened me.

I didn’t know I would require this strength for what I am now.

Meanwhile, Seth had been in touch sporadically all throughout the time I was away. I thought he was a bit keen and I wasn’t.

His lack of education and job prospects continued to bother me so I simply did not give him all that much thought.

A week or so later, I had to say goodbye to my baby nephew, sister and bro in law. And after a few “randomly selected” airport checks I had finally arrived back in the UK.

Ahh despite the sadness of missing Australia – it was so so good to be back home.

And the first message I got after landing was from Seth asking to meet up when I was back home!!!

“Little” Expectations

With a few days to Christmas, a sister who can give birth at any time and thoughts of ‘more’ with Dr Sam – i decided to take the plunge and meet him. We planned to go for a drink and then stay at a classy hotel but away from City. Dr Sam had picked me up and because he was driving, we decided to go to the hotel first and then go for drink nearby.

At the hotel check in, I actually felt like a right hooker! Wtf was i doing!? Meeting a stranger, at a hotel, in a place I hardly knew a lot about. Anyways, when we get to the room – my anxiety level was through the roof. Moral questions. Safety Questions and Sensible Questions made the whole experience feel questionable.

Dr Sam encouraged me to just relax and chit chat for a while. Of course I firmly took a place in a chair away from the bed for a good hour before agreeing to just go for a wee nap. Within a few minutes, Dr Sam had started kissing me and it felt good so I started relaxing a little. One thing of course led to another and the foreplay was good.

Until…. I got to his “little member”! Now I have heard guys and girls say – size doesn’t matter, it’s what you do with it! Right! Right!? Oh how wrong that saying is! Dr Sam had previously said “he wasn’t overly big” so I thought yeah ok not a big deal. But really it meant that when fully erect, he was probably the size of my pinkie finger if not smaller!!!!!!

Like if you were to give him a blow job…it would require someone to move their head a couple of inches up and down or not at all – it wouldn’t have made a difference!!!! (However on reflection I thought what a terrible shame. Like for him and future partners etc and not everyone is gifted. I should know, I have the smallest breasts in all my sisters even if it was a decent C Cup).

OK cool I thought, this will be ok! It’ll be ok! Oh dear god, how wrong was I! I didn’t feel a thing…maybe a wee scratch here and there 😹😹😹 but not a thing was felt in my down under! I saw his face and I knew he saw my disappointment so like millions of women out there – I (like Meg Ryan) knew how to fake it! I wish it was fake it till you make it but there was no making it here!

Dr Sam however continued to enjoy whatever was going on. And all I thought was – don’t yawn don’t yawn don’t yawn! I have never been so bored during sex my entire life! Even his foreplay was making me snooze a little. Mercifully it didn’t last longer than 10-12 minutes. I decided to shower and actually nap.

I woke up thinking – I actually don’t want to here. I’d rather be home with my sister then going through this again. So I shamefully made a story about my sister not being well and that she was alone in the house (this part was true). I told him to stay and enjoy and that I would be in touch. But while we were chatting, he also received a call to see a patient fairly urgently. I encouraged him to go. It made me feel so much better!

Once Dr Sam had left, I took my sweet time to relax and pack before getting the Uber back to my sisters place. I didn’t get in touch with Dr Sam after that and neither did he. This I was glad about as at least it meant that I wasn’t the one who had completely ghosted him but it was mutual. And thankfully this ends the chapter of my 2nd tinder rendezvous with the smallest penis i have ever encountered 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Tinder Date – Part Two (Down Under)…

December 2017

With Seth firmly behind in my thoughts (TBH I didn’t thinkwe would meet up again), I left for Melbourne Australia. My thoughts were onlyabout my sister and prayers to heaven for the safe arrival of my baby nephewand our family’s first grand child. Doctors had warned he was going to comeearly so be prepared. So I of course arrived first week in December.

But the sweet baby was taking his sweet time. It was now the week before Christmas and doctors were thinking…if the baby doesn’t come soon, we’ll have to induce labour. INDUCE LABOUR? What! We thought he’d come super early (two previous miscarriages were at 5.5 – 6 months due to pre term labour).

So while I waited, I got bored. I could’nt really ask myheavily pregnant sister to do much…so with Seth firmly only in memory now, Idecided to join Tinder again. See what Australian men were out there. Thisshould be exciting.

Very quickly I started speaking to a guy “Dr Sam”. He was eager to meet and there was a lot of sexting…the type you become hot and heavy about and decide to take care of yourself 😉 So Dr Sam (male) and Sam (Me, female) decide to meet up. We had a couple of drinks and eventually returned to where his GP surgery was. I was not feeling it plus I was at the end of my periods. So Dr Sam pulled a chair across from me and told me to relax. Now – I’m not sure about folks out there…but when someone tells me to relax…I CANNOT RELAX ON COMMAND.

But the thing I agreed to do was take my shoes off.Unbeknown to me. . . he quickly took a hold of my feet and just gently restedthem on his lap…very close to his crotch. But then he started massaging myfeet. And that was heaven. “Are your feet bloated from the heat or are you onyour periods”? he had asked. WTF! I thought, I didn’t tell him I was on myperiods. But decided to go with the heat excuse…I didn’t even know my feet were“bloated”! I’m a small UK size 4 in my feet (not anywhere else though haha)

Anyways, as Dr Sam massaged my feet and I closed my eyes enjoying the feeling. He suddenly plopped my toe in his mouth and started sucking it. Wait What Was Happening Here. This is disgusting, stop stop stop. . . would’ve been the appropriate response except I have no idea why but this rather disgusting act was incredibly sexual. He did a bit of over the shirt fooling about but gave me amazing neck kisses and I just whimpered.

However, reminding myself about my periods, my heavily pregnant sister who was home and the fact I was not going to be sleeping with this guy, I somehow found the courage to say no. He was good about that and stopped and let me freshen up before dropping me home. Of course once I got home that night, we started sexting a lot and I gave in and made plans to see him again for a bit more than a toe suck!

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